The Rules of Lara: Memorize Them

Disclaimer:  These rules may be changed or become null and void at any time at the sole whim of Lara, with no advanced warning...well, except this one.

Lara's Rule #18: Never chastise me for being impatient.  I will turn on your ass faster than you can blink!

Lara’s Rule #17: Use your common sense around me at all times. If you choose not to exercise your common sense muscles, I will use my physical muscles and head-bonk you.

Lara’s Rule #16: I don’t share my men. If you’re with me, you’re under my laser-sharp focus and no one else’s. Or I’ll turn my laser-sharp focus on her and you’ll get a free preview of what’s coming. Got it?

Lara’s Rule #15: No horror movies if I will be in the house alone in the succeeding 24-48 hours. It’s just cruel and I’ll make you suffer along with me cuz guess who I’ll be calling at 2am when I can’t sleep? Additionally, don’t watch them with me unless you are prepared to have bruising on your arm---I hold on tight. Or, if you’re “mine”, I’ll be in your lap. (see rule #11)

Lara’s Rule #14: I don’t ever bring people back from the dead. It’s not right, so don’t ask me.

Lara’s Rule #13: Do not talk while I am interrupting.

Lara’s Rule #12: If I am obviously having some kind of bad day and am starting to get upset (this will be indicated by much cursing and gesticulating) (that means, “waving my arms around” people.) do not ever say to me “Now Lara, calm down.” When has that ever worked when you said that to someone? When? Exactly.

Lara’s Rule #11: Do not come into my bubble. I have a very large personal space bubble. If I am related to you by blood….no wait, that’s not always true either…hmmm, ok, if I obviously love you, be you family or friend, I will be very affectionate. But if I don’t know you: No touchy touchy. You will find yourself flat on the floor, holding your crotch, bleeding from the nose, with a headache. Go ahead. I dare you.

Lara’s Rule #10: Do not ever, under any circumstances, make repetitive noises. Anywhere. Ever. I don’t care what it is. The penalty for this is an abrupt loud noise coming from my mouth that sounds like this: “Knock it the fuck off!!”

Lara’s Rule #9: Always compliment Lara. I can be insecure and uncertain. Rather than telling me to suck it up (which can result in a bitch slap) it is better to just stroke my ego. Then everyone’s happy. For example, “Lara, you are the Queen,” is an excellent one to start with. (Since 99% of men require this, I feel it is my duty as a feminist to require the same.... in the interest of equality you understand.)

Lara’s Rule #8: Never touch my chocolate. (That’s it. There’s no further instructions here.)

Lara’s Rule #7: I ride shotgun. If I’m not riding shotgun, it’s because I’m driving. If I’m not riding shotgun and I’m not driving, I’m barfing. That’s all there is to it. It’s like a mathematical equation: Lara + backseat= barf. Don’t do it.

Lara’s Rule #6: Don’t drink while I’m talking. It will inevitably come out of your nose because everything I say is funny. This is more a warning or a caution than a rule, but still….it needed to be said!

Lara’s Rule #5: I only drink sweet wine. Don’t bring that fancy, dry shit and try to sell it to me. I’m not drinking it; I’ll spit it back into the glass and then dump it down the drain. Don’t test it. I’ve done it before.

Lara’s Rule #4: I like things just-so. Some people call it anal. I prefer “detail-oriented in a way you obviously are not.” Don’t touch my stuff. You will get your hand smacked. Big Joe taught me that.

Lara’s Rule #3: Don’t buy me items containing satin. I have huge issues with texture. Satin reminds me of this hideous bathrobe I had as a kid. It was quilted. And my hang-nails caught on it. And it made creepy noises….

Lara’s Rule #2: I never answer call waiting calls on my cell phone. Sure, the phone tries to give you little icons to work it out, but they’re like men: they don’t do what they say they’re going to do and then I’m all aggravated and pissed off. I hate that!

Lara’s Rule #1:  Memorize the Rules of Lara!